Fear

Fear –noun
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain,etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling orcondition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: anabnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone’s safety.

Most people will experience fear at some point in their lives. If you are some strange person that has no idea what this concept means than I feel like you are living in wonderful ignorant bliss. Please send me an email telling me of the bliss you must have everyday.

For the rest of you that have battled fear or live with it daily. This post is just for you. Because see I live in fear. Lots of different ones. It is amazing how many are irrational, completely rational and totally off the wall.

For instance, I am afraid of zombies. Some people will think that this is stupid. I find it to be completely valid. Although while I am afraid of zombies I am more afraid of robots since honestly, killing something that is metal just sounds too damn hard and I am pretty sure we are all going to die at that point. Lets not dwell on that shall we.

Let us look at some rational fears. I am afraid to love. Let me elaborate on this a little more. I am not afraid of loving my kids, I love them very much. I couldn’t express in words the joys they have brought to my life and I am a better person since the Lord saw fit to bless me with them. I truly would be lost without them. No, the love I am afraid of is the love one has for their boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, significant other. You get my drift. I fear loving someone. I am a lover not a fighter. I have mentioned this before and honestly I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have turned and ran away from love as a younger girl just because it was too damn scary to love someone. Maybe I have Daddy issues buried in here. Maybe not. I just fear the rejection and the pain that comes with holding out your heart and hoping that someone doesn’t stomp on it.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this post. I want to cover a lot and I am sure that this post will be so long no one will want to read it all. But I write this blog for me, and I hope that you, the reader, can take something from my experiences and read this and find that even though I am just 30, I have some wisdom to share.

So as I said I have been thinking of this fear of love. And I know that it starts with the fear of rejection. In 5th grade my best friends in the whole world for the last two years told me I was not cool enough to be friends with them. This one event in my life lead to me only being friends with guys, and furthering myself from an ability to be friends with woman. Woman don’t like another woman who can relate and get along with men. Especially if they are bad at it. So losing all my girl friends in grade school starting a chain reaction. I went out of my way not to be friends with females. Ask any of us, we are bitches. No doubt about it, and honestly it is hard being friends with another woman anyway, throw in that she can fix cars, talk car speak, knows computers, and is a feminine jackie of all trades and you are the target for endless negative comments. Let’s throw in a tiny frame and a nice figure and a pretty face and I am officially the enemy. Stay away tart. You can’t be friends with me, you speak to much man speak. No way I am inviting that in to my life. I can’t compete with that.

Well then, you know what happens with you are shunned by your own sex. You go out of your way to get along with the opposite. I found that I liked it better being friends with guys. Now I can hear all of you saying that must have made me a whore. Well you would be wrong. Because of my interest in the things that the boys liked I seemed to get an admirable amount of personal respect. They respected me in a way that a guy that wanted to date me didn’t. They treated me with kid gloves and they enjoyed teaching me things. I am not saying that none of these guys didn’t want to have sex with me. That would be stupid. I am saying none of them tried. I was 17 years old when I got my first french kiss. Something about me demanded respect. And amazingly I was given it.

So when any of these boys came calling on a serious note, I went running. Headed for the hills and used my wonderful mom as my break up and dump tool. I send great apologies to my mom for having tortured her that way for all of my teenage life. You were a wonderful mom to put up with me.

This running stayed with me. When the first serious boy came along to spread his feelings of love to me, I ignored him. Hence the entire drama that was Dick. I still regret not saying anything but I will always believe that GOD does things for a reason. The season for Dick and I was not to be. And honestly I think he and I are both better for it. GOD is bigger than me, and his imaginings for my life are bigger than I could ever know. So I just take baby steps and hope I am doing well. But alas, I am off track again, I am the proverbial goldfish. Easily distracted.

I then came in contact with current husband. Our relationship was definitely a display of my fears. And he wasn’t all that good at smoothing them over either. Sigh. Some things just aren’t meant to be soothed. And I think that my fear has shown me things, and saved me time and time again. So I am not saying that all fear is bad either.

Currently I am fighting fear. Fear of failure at my taking care of me and the girls alone.

Fear that if I love to strongly that I will fail, that it will not work out, that I will find myself wishing I hadn’t tried at all.

Fear that the wicked witch of the west will go all ape nuts and lash out to hurt me or my kids. (highest fear currently)

To say that I am afraid would be an understatement. My fear caused the blog post of goodbye. When the crazy came calling, and the need to fight for what I wanted presented itself I relented. I dropped my heart on the floor and ran from it. I didn’t even want to take it with me. I run in fear because I am afraid to lose. I don’t want to lose this love I have found. It is like nothing else I have ever felt before and it makes me happy in a way I thought only existed in books and movies. It is truly possible to feel this much love, this much happiness? Well sure it is, but it comes at a cost. My sanity with regards to fear. I can be fearful that this wonderful man will leave, it is unlikely but still a valid fear. I can be fearful that he will be taken from me. W loves to blackmail people. Currently she is using his children, and she has even dragged mine into this whole thing. I want desperately to grab her by the hair and tell her to find something else to do with her time!

Who is this love of my life that I am trying desperately not to run from. It’s Carlos. Yes. You remember Carlos and my tearful blog goodbye. Turns out, I couldn’t stay away. Just couldn’t manage it at all. And honestly now that I think about it, it was stupid to run in the first place. How dare the evil W try to steal my joy! And guess what. Just like a dramatic soap opera she is conspiring with my estranged separated spouse in order to try to break it all up.

If the reasoning behind this creepy alliance was good then maybe I could understand. But Carlos has been divorced 2 years, and his X remarried. So no excuses there. She says that she made mistakes and she wants to go back to the way things were. Nope, can’t help you there. Not many men get cheated on, take care of the child that is not theirs, do all they can to stay with their spouse only to be told, never mind, I want to be with my new baby daddy. He tried, and I watched as my best friend was hurt time and time again by the woman who was supposed to always take care of him, and love him. I would never ever want him to go back to that. He got cheated on countless times, and he forgave her every time. He didn’t punish her for her mistakes, he took care of her. And even when she sent him packing, he still was always there whenever she needed him. And honestly, even now in the midst of death threats and the thoughts of cut brake lines, and her not letting their daughter go on a trip planned 2 months ago (because she is a jerk) because she says she cannot handle all of this. Do you know what she can’t handle? The fact that Carlos never had any time to see anyone before and not much desire too either. And he and I’s friendship budded into more, and when I was finally out of the hell that I had been tortured in for so long we wanted to see if we had anything there. And there was so much there it was amazing! She only starts this now because I am a threat to her ever using him again.

Carlos and I talked a lot last night. One of our many conversations that starts off so serious but ends in sweet kisses and snuggles. He made me make him a promise and I made him do the same. An unselfish promise. We promised that no matter what happens if it becomes necessary for one of us to do what we feel is right, and that right action will hurt the other person that it still needs to be done. I love him, and he loves me. And I know that sometimes love isn’t enough. Currently like a super hero with no powers I search for the hidden ability to combat my fear that I will fail in this endeavor of love as I have in the past.

I failed my marriage. So did my husband but I am able to recognize where I made mistakes. But my marriage was over years ago. Fear kept me there, and I braved that fear to make a better life for my daughters, and myself. Now I have found love. I have run from it twice already. And I can’t make up for that lost time even though it is just precious weeks. This life is amazingly short. I don’t want to spend the entire thing wallowing in my fears any longer. I was afraid to tell my husband that his disability was ruining our lives. That I needed him to be the man that our family needed. I was afraid of hurting him so I didn’t tell him when I wasn’t in love anymore because I didn’t want to hurt him. He was already so hurt and suffering every day. I enabled him in his pain, to watch him make his pain more important than his family. And even though I have left, and that May is my filing month for my divorce, I still see him making his pain more important than his kids. And now I find myself being brave and fighting the fear of hurting him and my girls. I won’t enable him anymore. That is all I did while I was there. While he may not see it now, he is better off without me. I hate knowing my kids now come from a broken home. Honestly it is rare when someone doesn’t and no that isn’t some lame justification for it. I am just saying that it is not the end of their world. They are loads better for not being around the constant fighting. I want everyone in this to be happy. Even my X. I am not however responsible for anyone’s happiness but my girls. And I chose to be responsible for Carlos and my happiness as a couple.

I am scared to death the things that could come my way with the scheming from people who are honestly on their way to being certifiably crazy. I am scared I will hurt Carlos, I am scared that I will get hurt, and I am scared, GOD forbid that my girls may get hurt. My head tells me to run, it says pack your bags and go home. You don’t want to stay here and let these people near you or your kids. It isn’t worth it. My heart says stay and fight, and win the battle for love. Show the crazies at you are strong, and that you won’t buckle under their pressures. I have spent my whole life letting others make my decisions. I let my X tell me that he didn’t want me to have tattoos or body piercings when I was younger and we were just a couple. I didn’t agree but I did as I was told because I wanted to be happy. I did that for years. There were very few times that I have ever stuck up for myself. The last 3 years of my marriage have been hell and taught me that I can be me, and I can be loved for being who I am or everyone else can go piss up a rope.

I am no longer running the gamut on keeping people, who won’t love me the way that I am, happy. It is not my job to do so. I can’t be soley responsible for everyone’s happiness. Everyone has to make choices to do what is right, and to choose to be happy or choose to be sad. You choose to stay in an emotionally damaging situation or you grow a pair and for the sake of your kids and yourself you move on.

I didn’t think that love would find me so fast. I wasn’t looking. It surprised me who it was. And it surprised me how much we fit together. Like two perfect puzzle pieces. Just meant to be together. I don’t know if Carlos and I will win the battle. I don’t know if we will be together when it is all said and done, and I don’t know if we will be happy. I know this. I have spent years wondering what would have happened if I had, at seventeen, tried to see if I could be happy with Dick. And a summer phone affair last year proved to me that there could have been something there. And I won’t lie and say that I won’t always be at least a little curious. But I won’t do that this time. I won’t run. I am in love, with someone who loves all the strange and quirky things about me.

He doesn’t care I am messy, tattooed, slighty goth with a little emo thrown in for flavor. In fact, he loves me more for it. He lets me be me, and I let him be him. I don’t want him any different. I want him just the way he has always been my friend, just with more attached to it. I want him to stay, to walk with me and hold my hand and hold me in his arms and tell me that everything will turn out just as GOD intended. If GOD intended for the road to love to be easy he would have given us a map.

We are a sin filled people on this cursed planet. We make mistakes. And we can only hope that time can heal the wounds that we cause and that people can accept our apologies. Those who can’t move on are welcome to stay in the past. I am done living with my mistakes hanging over my head. My failures posted on the wall of life for everyone to see. I am ready to attempt to live this life and while the fear is there. Ever presently waiting to take over, to ruin my day with the stomach ache and drama that always comes when my intuition goes off like a fire alarm. I will no be controlled by these fears. I won’t hurt the ones I love anymore because I cannot control things. Control is an illusion. No one has it. No one is in control. And I won’t be controlled any longer by people who want to use fear to hurt me, and keep me in their control.

Don’t let fear control you. It can be there, and it keeps you cautious, but it can cripple you. Leaving you huddled in a hot bath wondering why you even bothered getting out of bed. Fear has not made me depressed. But in the past I have let it immobilize me. Make me stationary. When I should have been moving, and working, and keeping things up I was stuck. Frozen in fear.

I will not be frozen in fear any longer. I will not succumb to the evil tyranny of others because they think that I am stupid and couldn’t possibly know how to do this life without their bossy guidance to drive me around mindless and unable to think for myself.

I have not won against the fear. It is still there. Racking my stomach in that icky feeling that the drama has more to come still. My intuition has not been wrong so far. So I know that there is still more to come. But I am not alone in my fight against the Exes. I have Carlos, and he keeps me strong. I won’t let go this time. I won’t lie down and take the fear tactics being used on me. I have watched him stand up for himself and be strong in the face of all of this, and yet again, he gives me hope. Hope that someday these people can move on and stop interfering in things that are not theirs to mess with.

We will fight the fear. I don’t know if we will win. But if you hang around long enough around here you might actually find out.

Always Yours,
Lady X

Push – Sarah McLachlan

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You’ve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do ’cause you’re to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you’ll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I’d drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I’m OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

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HELP

Help – verb

1. to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist: He planned to help me with my work. Let me help you with those packages.
2. to save; rescue; succor: Help me, I’m falling!
3. to make easier or less difficult; contribute to; facilitate: The exercise of restraint is certain to help the achievement of peace.

Today I feel crazy. Yes I posted this morning mushy things of an uplifting nature but the day has turned into a swirling vortex of entropy. Chaos personified. I am helpless to control it. So what am I going to do you ask? Put all of the entropy filled children to bed. Not sure what they ate at school in addition to the lunch I sent, and of course 3 of them were with me so I am sure I have only myself to blame. But these kids are nuts tonight! Crying and fighting. For no reason. It is the end. I will put them all to bed and harness the chaos into sleeping children.

It must be done for the good of my sanity. And Lord knows no child has died from going to bed early. So in 5 minutes (it is 7:25pm) The children are going to bed so that I may complete the work they have prevented me from doing all day. Then when that work is complete and I feel briefly accomplished I can go to sleep or fold laundry. I really need to fold the last load and be done with it.

So as I get ready to lay the kids down, and get all productive on the evening I ask you all to remember that bedtime is secretly parent salvation. Embrace it.

Always Yours,

Lady X

With Love

Love –noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.

Today is a mushy day. Why do you ask? Well, because I feel accomplished from my uber productive weekend. I feel good about the week. I am taking care of my girls and our tiny apartment so far so good. Could be better with the money, but honestly I am so bad at that so I am content in knowing that we always have good food, and all the things we need. God is providing. Cause he is good.

My oldest is home from school today. Too sick. Asthma is a real bitch. I have had it forever and My oldest and youngest both have it too. It is terrible to watch your child suffer. Especially when you know how it feels.

Another wonderful thing. I will be doing a ton of work this week, and next week too so money should come in and June should be all paid for. It’s gonna be a good week.

So mushy is a good thing. It means that currently the melancholy is at bay. It is not harrasing me and making me sad and droopy. I am feeling good, and happy today. Lord keep away the rain today, I wish to walk in my parade. 🙂

As for this post being anything more than some randomly posted crap. Well, love is wonderful and I feel loved today. So I want to spread it around. So if you are reading this, then I love you. Don’t worry, this isn’t the stalker kind of love. All of my stalkee positions are currently full so you will have to wait till I have an opening. No, this is a friendly, I hope you life is wonderful today and always kinda love. It is a be blessed because even if everything sucks, God loves you, and he will help you get it all back together. I know he will. Because this time last year I was lost. I was in a loveless marriage, I had no hope. I just figured I would stay where I was because it was too hard to do anything else.

But then after the whole thing with Dick, the controlling crazy that my husband turned into after that, and the fun and unhappy emotional crap that comes with all of that I am free today. No, I am not divorced yet. It is forth coming soon to a court house near me. But I am no longer controlled emotionally by others. I am just me.  I finally feel like the me that I was before I consumed myself with my husband is finally back.

Yes I went a little crazy since that freedom happened, with 9 tattoos and some body piercings. And more to come for sure. I have to say that these are things I had longed to do years ago but had been told no. So I am just catching upfor lost time. Sometimes you have to do that. Catch up on the things that you have missed.

So if you feel trapped no matter your situation, remember that the only one who can free you is GOD. He is amazing and he has set me free. I am so thankful for his love and his care during this hard time as I have jumped out of my safety net into his arms even when I couldn’t see him holding them out, and I am happy to say that I feel straight into his hands. He was waiting for me to jump all along.

With all my love,

Lady X

Stupid Car

Stupid –adjective
1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.
3. tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: a stupid party.

(proof that we use the word stupid wrong all the time)

My car broke again. Sigh. Friday I stop by my apartment to pick up some things for the kids to take to their respective weekend plans, and what happens?

We go to load up, take the girls to their dad since its his weekend, take the boys to my sister and then have a fun filled weekend of gaming. Instead I go out to find 2 gallons of coolant all over the ground and the radiator cap housing broken. Oh yay!

So my sister comes and rescures us and loans be her van. I drop everyone off and then starts the magical hunt for the part I need to fix my car. First to Auto Zone. The guys at Auto Zone love me. Who wouldn’t? I am a chick that fixes cars, I am totally adorable and I don’t mind getting dirty. What guy doesn’t love that? So to Auto Zone. Where Paul, one of my favorite guys at Auto Zone, tells me that they don’t have it, and that it is $62, and it will be four days before it gets here.

Unacceptable.

I tell them that I am off to cheat on their store with the dealership. I hate to do it, but I need my car. I bid them farewell and off I go. We race to the dealership since it is now 4:30pm and I don’t want to arrive as they close. So we run inside, ask for the part. After what seems like endless typing. Really dude, what were you typing anyways? He says, we don’t have it. But the Lewisville branch does. I so can’t get there before 5. So how much is it I ask?

$116.

WHAT??!!#$%

No way, I would wait four days first. Sheesh. It’s make a frakking plastic for cripes sake!

Well luckily for me there are two more Auto parts stores that can reject me. O’rieleys and Pep Boys. Closest first wins the next chance to tell me no!

So Pep boys it is. We walk inside. I have no hope so now I am just going through the motions.  Blah blah blah, do you have my part, blah blah blah.

Yep, we have it. They run back and get it. I am speechless that we found it. Okay, so what’s the damage?

$17.99. OMG!!!! Really??

Yep. Freakin awesome! I just got the part and now have enough to get dinner too. Hello Arby’s. So after we pick up some food, and then we eat. Me and my brother set to the task of changing one of the easiest parts I have ever had to fix. What’s so irritating about the whole week is that this was the third cooling system repair that I had to make this week. First the hose that goes from the radiator cap to the overflow tank got a whole rubbed in it by my belt, but then same night I fix that my thermostat goes out. No doubt from sucking too much air through the hose I just rubbed a hole in. And then, after all of that I get stuck spending what was supposed to be game night fixing my car. So once we had it all fixed we finally go inside. Set up the playstation 2, and then, were too tired to play. Me and my brother just watched netflix for the rest of the night.

The weekend wasn’t a total loss. I did get lots done, even though I spent more than I wanted too over the weekend. But I try to remind myself that it is just money and its just stuff. We can always just make some more.

If you don’t fix your own car you should try it sometime. It is wonderful. I feel accomplished knowing that the car is fixed and I know it was done right and the only person I had to pay was me. 🙂

With a sense of accomplishment – Yours Always,

Lady X

Stress

Stress –noun
1. importance or significance attached to a thing; emphasis: to lay stress upon good manners.
2. Phonetics . emphasis in the form of prominent relative loudness of a syllable or a word as a result of special effort in utterance.
3. Prosody . accent or emphasis on syllables in a metrical pattern; beat.

(better word title for this post, anxiety)

Anxiety –noun, plural -ties.
1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune: He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.
2. earnest but tense desire; eagerness: He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.
3. Psychiatry . a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.

Anxiety is something I hate. And this morning I woke up with that wonderful foreboding feeling. I am not sure the origin of this stressful feeling. Maybe from my post about Carlos. I don’t know. I just long for it to go away. Leave me feeling of stress. Leave me feeling of anxiety and fear. I no longer wish to house you inside my brain or my stomach for that matter. I do not want to live in that prison.

I will have hope that this feeling is nothing. Experience leads me to think otherwise. I will have hope that this feeling will leave me and I will be filled with light, and love and with ambition to complete all the things that would give me a peaceful, and restful weekend. So here is the song of the day. It speaks to me today, and leaves me with hope.

The Cave – Mumford and Sons

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s hand

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Blah

Blah –noun
1. nonsense; rubbish: What they say is blah.
2. the blahs, a feeling of physical uneasiness, general discomfort, or mild depression; malaise: After the long weekend many workers had the Monday-morning blahs.

–adjective
3. insipid; dull; uninteresting.

So this post isn’t about much. This week has been some kind of crazy. Broken radiator hose, dead thermostat, fixing the car after the rain. And I am not unconvinced that my kids might be going crazy. Especially the small one. Sigh. At least I keep the electronics from her. Sadly there was no hope for the last piece of expensive hardware. I am thinking of having a memorial service for it. I may even take pictures and put them up here. RIP little ipod touch.

The kids go see their dad this weekend. So as my weekend looms before me, and the thought of going to see my favorite cover band practially lying dashed before me, I wonder what will I do with my time this weekend? Hmmmmm. I think that I will totally take a long nap, maybe a hot bath, and for sure I need to clean.  Does anyone else this week wonder exactly what may be growing in my kitchen? I wonder, but since I have spent very little time at home at all this week due to unforeseen circumstances that are beyond my control and much to lengthy to list here. I will just hope that my weekend will permit me some time to go forth and conquer the chores. I am however feeling uncertain about whether that will go well. So I believe that I will have to have Limp Bizkit help me clean this weekend or I may never get done.

So while I come upon this Easter weekend grateful for the things I have, and aware of the things that I cannot change. I will praise GOD for my blessings, be grateful that Jesus was resurrected for me and that I know it. I will be happy that currently all the kids are healthy and that I am too. And now I will be glad that I can come here to vent.

I have taken lots of pics this week. Not any that were much of anything other than random stuff. But still I felt good know that I managed to get some image work done this week even if it wasn’t on my impending project.  I am the queen of avoiding things till the last minute. Wow I am sure you couldn’t tell right. Good grief. A swift kick in the you know what would be good this week. Or a giant handful of 5 hour energy drinks so I can have a clean apartment, a nap and time to do something cool. Sigh.

Always here,

Lady X

Another Day

Another –adjective
1. being one more or more of the same; further; additional: another piece of cake.
2. different; distinct; of a different period, place, or kind: at another time; another man.
3. very similar to; of the same kind or category as: What we need today is another thomas jefferson.

When you lose a friend at the beginning it isn’t so bad. You are sad, you think of how you wish you could have done something that wouldn’t have resulted in such a tragic ending, (depending on how your friendship ended maybe it was tragic).

I recently lost a friend. No they didn’t die. I still actually know “where they are” so don’t feel led to contact the authorities.  For the sake of this blog we will call him Carlos. Carlos is the best friend ever. He listens, hes always there for you. You love him to pieces. Carlos was married to for the sake of the blog we will call her the wicked witch of the west. Or W for short. She wishes she was still married to Carlos, turns out having a baby with another man while married sends the current husband packing his bags.   I am not pointing cheating fingers, since I have my own checkered past and I am not interested in perching myself (currently) on the soap box of hypocrisy.  Everyone makes mistakes, and she married someone else so technically she kinda needs to live with hers.

She doesn’t like Carlos being my friend. Turns out, me and Carlos liked being friends, and then we liked being more than friends. I even contemplated a serious future with Carlos. Who doesn’t want a man that knows all of your emotional buttons as well as other buttons (wink).  So what happened you asked that you started off talking about losing friends?  Well I am so glad that you virtually asked.

At the tender beginnings of something more with Carlos, W found out something was going on. She confronted Carlos, only he wasn’t ready to tell. So he lied. Said we were just friends. So I told Carlos that was all we could be. Just friends. I have already done my fair share of secret keeping, I really don’t want any part of that. Well turns out he and I are not good at being just friends. And into another set of lets see if we can work this out, he decides that he can’t do it. He just isn’t ready to do something like this and he wants to get his life in order and get things with GOD back to the way they need to be. I am not a selfish person. So I say ok, this time though we are going to have to call it all quits till it is a better time for both of us.  It is obvious that we can’t just be friends. He agrees. Then sends me little messages asking me little adorable stupid questions for close to 3 weeks, then we talk on the phone, go see a band together.  And what happens? Well now we are just seeing what happens. See what comes of us and out attempting to be together thing.  This is where trouble happens.

First off, this is one of the few men on the planet who knows where my buttons are. I say few because the list of men who have had any access to my buttons is 3. So really, there could be loads! I just have no energy to be a slut so I stick with what I know.

So W finds out that we are talking again.  Yay! I love when news gets out.  Now this time I wasn’t a secret, I was just an omission since technically it isn’t her business what he does anyway right? So she finds out through her nosy friend who was supposed to be my friend but apparently has no loyalty when it comes to keeping a confidence. So now I am hearing about how she says if I ever go near her kids she will kill me. Oh great, its time to deal with the crazy. BTW, I hadn’t even seen her kids since last year and had no contact with them for any other reason. So why the death threat? Not sure. I can’t explain why other people are crazy, just why I am.

The crazy gets worse. I had blocked her facebook after she unfriended me during unhappy at my talking to her X the first time. So she sends me a text asking if I blocked her. Ok, I’ll bite. Yes I blocked you. Since you unfriended me. She went on to call me all sorts of wonderful things.  She told me to end things, that there was no future for us. Well I rebuffed all of these things. I said that I loved him,  and why couldn’t we have a future. This is the kicker. The thing that just wrecked it for me. She said that she would use his kids, and group up with my X so that they could make my life hell for as long as they could so I could never be happy. That he can be happy just never with me. Wow. What a giant selfish bitch. It must be awesome to be so full of self righteous bull shit.  On any other time in my life I might have been ready to fight the evil wicked witch of the west, and secretly I keep praying someone will come along and dump some water on the bitch and melt her. But instead I spend my day in the quiet contemplation of getting ready to break things off. For good this time. Honestly I can only handle so much stress and the upcoming divorce from me and my separated spouse along with all of the drama that an entire gaggle of children can throw at me.  Adding the fun of the crazy X is not in my plans. Nor do I believe that I can handle it. The proof is here in the next action that W decided to  make.

A restraining order.  On ME! This is laughable since I am the most harmless person in the world. I can’t take being called loads of names and then being told that I get to have a restraining order placed against me because I am a danger to others.  That really was the last straw for me. I hate having my name tarnished.

I sent off the email that I would stop talking to him, that I wouldn’t call or text or write. I don’t want to be the reason that anyone gets their kids held against them. I would have hated knowing that I had done that to someone I love. I am a lover, not a fighter. And I can’t fight the crazy battles that W was going to push my way. I told Carlos goodbye.

It was hard for me. Since I feel I loved having him as a part of my day, even if it was just a text or a call. He knew how to talk to me, how to soothe the crazy when my own crazy emerged. And it was nice feeling like I was part of something special. But all the love in the world doesn’t help when I would have to worry about my own kids danger when the crazy W comes calling. You know I would have done a lot, put up with a lot, to be happy and in love. But I won’t endanger my kids, and I won’t risk someone being punished because they either know me or “know me”.

I am sad that my goodbye was so short. I didn’t get the mushy movie goodbye that I would have prefered.

So my fake goodbye is here. All of the things I would have said if I had the chance. I know he won’t see it, but I am happy to have it out.

Dear Carlos,

I am so sorry for the way I ended things. Even though we can’t be friends in real life, you will always be my friend in my heart. I am so sorry that I am not strong enough to deal with W. She is out of her crazy mind and I hope someday you find a woman who can rival that crazy and give W one hell of a run for her money.

I love you. I am sorry that love as usual just can’t be enough. It is just sooooo much right now. I could never manage it all. I know you understand. It is in your nature to be so understanding and so wonderful that it pains me to know how gone that is from me now. I really needed it yesterday. A swift kick in the ass would have been great for my wallowing about Dick.  I kicked myself just in case you wondered.

I am sorry that I don’t get to say Happy Birthday, or give you a birthday kiss.  Or even a birthday hug. I am thinking of you though. So at least that is something.  I loved how you always cheered me up, even when I was dead set on staying grouchy. I hope that GOD sends you an amazing woman I pray you promise to do the same for her. You deserve it more than anyone else.  I can hear what you say to that. So do I. I know. But you have been in the prison of W longer than I was in my own prison. I want you to have that love and wonder that was so brief to you and I. In glorious abundance.

I will always think of you, and I will always want you to be happy no matter what.   I am sorry that it couldn’t be me to make you happy. I am sorry that there are so many crazy factors in our lives right now that prevent anything good from coming from the wonderful crazy outburst of W.

The future is not ours to see. I will delight in what the Lord offers me. I will look upon the things that I did, ask for forgiveness for the wrongs that I have done, and I will move on to find out what this life has for me now that I am free to look upon it in wonder and awe.

Please think of me often and please attach none of this drama to it. I don’t want you to ever have that in your mind when you think of me. Think of the time we had a the most wonderful moment, and that it was amazing, and I will personally cherish it forever and a day.  You deserved a proper goodbye.

Always,

Lady X

Already Gone – Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you now
I can’t stop

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
 I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone, Oooo, oh
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone…